I think about death alot. I fear it, the thought paralyzes me. Am I afraid of the pain, potential suffering, no, I am afraid of the end. I have 2 boys who need me. I have too much life ahead of me. Am I sick? No, but I have these unexplained headaches, hearing the 1990s Kindergarten cop movie quote, “maybe it’s a tumor? I have unexplained diarrhea, “maybe it’s a tumor”, unexplained shoulder pain and yes “maybe it’s a tumor”… these thoughts creep up when I am silent, when the world for a moment is non-demanding. I have seen doctors for my ailments I am fine. I am overweight and out of shape.
I try to not let my mind drift to these thoughts. I don’t want to manifest an illness or my death. But laying awake at night and at times afraid to head out incase I die. I never heard about motherhood bringing on the fear of death.
So I am planning. It has always been my way. Have problem, research, obsess and fix.. So plan if I die.. make sure money for my family and ensure my husband hires a maid. What happens if we both die who looks after my boys? That is the true fear! Who can replace me? Love them, teach them, dream for them?
As I lay here with another headache trying to push those thoughts of doom away listening to the steady arguing of my boys, maybe it’s a tumor ….