Death by cereal

Taken out by cereal… No matter how much I redirected myself I could not get past the feeling of empty. I am anxious, my husband is out of town, my boys are bored with March break and I am in a funk after to much peopling from my Birthday last week. So I ate two bowls of cinnomen crunch cereal. Ughhh!! So instead of oeniow it, I found something to yell about. Had no patience with my boys. The whole teach them to deal with emotions went out the window. Gee why do my kids yell??

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Uhmmm Day Two?

So how do things go when Day one went to shit… Well.. Like most of us Mommas I am busy. No excuses but along with keeping my two boys alive for March break I also run a Dayhome.

1)So I did weigh myself and I am less than I thought 201 thanks!

2) No pictures, a face one does that count? I am doing WW and I have seen people post face to face on it to help keep us motivated. So the goal is in a month or so I can be BAM look at that..

3) I looked up meals, I am lazy as F when it comes to making meals, my Hubby is amazing so for now I am looking at what I can do.

4) there was no exercise…..

So Goal for today..

1) take pictures

2) exercise

3) read up on how to deal with starch and sugar cravings….

 

 

 

 

When the trickle turns in a waterfall.

Weight! Oh how this one word, one feeling has taken up so much of my life. There was a time in my life I didn’t visit friends because I didn’t want them to see me. This was in my early twenties and man if only I was that weight now. Don’t we all say that?

Early life I remember my Mom talking about her weight, and another get quick weight loss diet it was. I wonder now if some of that or most has caused her late in life health issues.

Early life I remember family members leaving after a visit and first thing said was ” my god they let themselves go”..

Weight was a cause for judgment, who cares if they got a new job, new home or graduated it was about theirtheir w.

So all this I think is ingrained in me

So easy to ” let self go” then push through the discomfort. The discomfort of leaving house, leaving couch, moving…. Even at an activity I love I think about my couch, bed and a book. My body likes being at rest. The heart and thighs perhaps not as much .

So the reason for all this jabber. I am restarting a weight loss journey. Yup another. But I want to journal here, I have so many journals that I have started. So much sound the same. But again. Life is not over by a long ass shot.

40 is here and just like at 25 I can do it! I need to start fresh, no more but I did thattand this… that right here right now is new.

So weight watchers is the coach. The points. I spent the night binging on people stories. I started last year and fell off and if I start now a year from now I can be well shit look at that .

Goals today

1 )weight myself

2) take pictures

3) find three low point meals

4) exercise for 20 minutes

See you in Am

 

Maybe it’s a tumor?

I think about death alot. I fear it, the thought paralyzes me. Am I afraid of the pain, potential suffering, no, I am afraid of the end. I have 2 boys who need me. I have too much life ahead of me. Am I sick? No, but I have these unexplained headaches, hearing the 1990s Kindergarten cop movie quote, “maybe it’s a tumor? I have unexplained diarrhea, “maybe it’s a tumor”, unexplained shoulder pain and yes “maybe it’s a tumor”… these thoughts creep up when I am silent, when the world for a moment is non-demanding. I have seen doctors for my ailments I am fine. I am overweight and out of shape.

I try to not let my mind drift to these thoughts. I don’t want to manifest an illness or my death. But laying awake at night and at times afraid to head out incase I die. I never heard about motherhood bringing on the fear of death.

So I am planning. It has always been my way. Have problem, research, obsess and fix.. So plan if I die.. make sure money for my family and ensure my husband hires a maid. What happens if we both die who looks after my boys? That is the true fear! Who can replace me? Love them, teach them, dream for them?

As I lay here with another headache trying to push those thoughts of doom away listening to the steady arguing of my boys, maybe it’s a tumor ….